In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
