i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
