Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
