I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just high enough for therapy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
