bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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