So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize