is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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