I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
