I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
