Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
