Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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