the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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