I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
