i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
