dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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