whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
