well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
