He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Randomize
