Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
