The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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