Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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