rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
