I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
