Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
