If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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