i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
