wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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