Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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