i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I bet he comes in French.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
