I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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