Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
