I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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