why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize