i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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