I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
