Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think your dad took our porno
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
