After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
