I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
