can u get pink eye on your cock?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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