I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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