Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
