At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
