remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
