I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My bed smells like the plague
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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