she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
