i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
