Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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