my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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