I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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