Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
