apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
