if i can run in heels then i can drive
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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