you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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