ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
