goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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