Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
