Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
