Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
