So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize