I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize