So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
