tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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