I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
