I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
